Danger at the Playground

The woman on the bench waved me over. "Watch out for that one," she said. "She's dangerous."
I tried to smile in what I hoped was a thankful manner and turned to see who she could be referring to. I scanned the playground trying to identify this threat. I saw moms and dads chatting and children playing happily. Just as I was beginning to wonder what kind of medication the bench woman had forgotten to take, I saw her.

She was a squirrel. She also happened to be the squirrel my son was chasing around the hedge maze. My mouth yelled "NO!" while my mind screamed "Why?" This wasn't a cute, fluffy little squirrel with big dark eyes and a charmingly skittish disposition. She clearly deserved the reputation being spread about her on the benches. This squirrel looked mean, dirty and unafraid. She was itching for a fight. Well, she was itching. And my sweet boy was trying to catch her!

I grabbed my son and we had a little talk about staying safe on the playground. This talk involved phrases like "habituated to humans",  "swarming with disease" and "bite and scratch the bejeezus out of you". I sent him off to play, convinced I had instilled enough terror to override the thrill of the chase.

Then I spotted my older son, who had apparently taken up the chase while I was distracted. He was now within spitting distance of this angry little tree rat who looked about ready to spit. Do squirrels spit? Maybe it was drool. Either way the effect it had on me was chilling, as I am sure it was meant to be. Would my son's sense of self preservation have kicked in without me screaming, "Don't touch it!" across the playground? We will never know. There followed a brief talk containing phrases like "habituated to humans", "swarming with disease" and "bite and scratch the bejeezus out of you".

If I only had two children, that would have been the last time I had to give that little speech. But I have three. So when my daughter announced that she was going to pet a squirrel I got to haul out that lovely little speech again. My daughter quite enjoyed it. Apparently the word "bejeezus" is hysterically funny. So I may not have properly terrified her but I did distract her.

As we were leaving the playground I caught a glimpse of this squirrel one last time. She was creeping away from a group of strollers with something in her mouth. The kids said it was a graham cracker but to me it looked like a credit card. A shiver ran up my spine. The thought of a squirrel stealing my credit card scares the bejeezus out of me.